Our Growing Girls

Today was the Birthday Bash for my girls and Shauna's girl.
It is something we have done together for quite a few years now.

Having to do it without her stinks.

But life does continue.

The sun continues to rise every morning.
The seasons continue to change.

And I have to live this life as joyously as I can~

for those girls.

I need to show them the hope that lies within me...
that we will be reunited with Shauna and all our loved ones
if we continue on the journey that God has set before us.

I must show them that my love for them is as deep as the ocean runs deep.

Even when my heart aches from a hole that will never be filled~
they fill my heart with amazing love...
deep and unmovable.


My goal is to make every day special and special days spectacular.

and to remember

"Life is Good"

Coping

Two Saturdays ago, Shauna left this earth.
Last Saturday, we had her memorial service.

The two hardest days of my life.

I've gotten through the past two weeks in a haze of tears.


There are so many emotions that have washed over me...
feelings I never even knew existed.

I try to knock down the ones that aren't helpful.
When the thoughts of unfairness and injustice creep in~
I try to replace that. And quickly.

It doesn't make it any less true~


but it doesn't help any one.

It doesn't help me. It doesn't help her husband.
It doesn't help her children. It doesn't help our parents.
or our sisters.

It just doesn't help.



I have to focus and refocus my thoughts.

I want her little ones to be able to see a little slice of their
Mommy living through me.

I want to be able to fill a bit of that void... to be that comfort...


I have been spending lots of time looking at photos.
So many beautiful photos~ always with a smile on her face.

I have been watching bits of video to hear her voice.


I don't want to take the easy road and just get busy with life
so that I don't have to deal.

I want to keep our wonderful memories alive.

I don't want my own children to forget what a great aunt she was.
Always pouring attention on them.... giving them sweet compliments...
letting them spend the night~ and making those nights so special.


With every day that passes...
whether it has been a really sad day...or an ok day...
I tell myself~
I am one day closer to heaven.

I am one day closer to seeing Shauna again.


I am trying to keep my focus on that goal.
Keep my eyes on the finish line...
and I will try to be joyous on my journey to get there.


I will work my hardest to help those that Shauna loved
get there as well so that we can all be reunited on that
great and happy day.


I know that if she could talk to me now... she would say
"and you thought that sunsets were pretty"


I have tried to imagine Heaven more than I ever have before.

I'm sure that what I've imagined can't do it justice.

~~~

The pain is still so fresh and so deep.
The littlest moments open up that wound and the tears
begin to fall.

Little things that come unexpectedly....
the sun's rays through the clouds.
a song on the radio.


It will be a long road to healing. I'm so very aware of that.
Unless perhaps the Lord comes first and our days on earth are over.


Either way~ as I begin that walk ~ to try to figure out how life goes on...

I will put my trust in Him.
Study His Holy Word.

and rely on prayers to strengthen me.

My own prayers.
and the prayers of others that keep me lifted up.


Blessings to you~

Chasity

Remembering

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you
I could walk forever in my garden.
~Claudia Ghandi

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because
our souls are connected.

Thou art gone from my gaze like a beautiful dream
And I seek thee in vain by the meadow and stream.
~George Linley

Perhaps they are not the stars,

but rather openings in Heaven
where the love of our lost ones pours through
and shines down upon us
to let us know they are happy.
~Author Unknown

I love you Shauna.

Heaven's Prettiest Angel

Sadly for us....we had to say goodbye to our sweet dear Shauna today.

But for her~ she must be filled with happiness...
for she was able to meet our Wonderful Creator and our Loving Savior.

I can't even imagine the pure joy of getting an embrace in the loving arms of Jesus.

What a sweet moment that must be.

Shauna fought this terrible cancer for nearly 2 years now.

It has been a difficult and painful journey....physically and emotionally.

But she fought it with more bravery than could ever be imagined.

She never let it shape who she was.



She never complained.


Doctor after doctor and nurse after nurse always told us how special that she was.
one of kind.

But of course...they didn't need to tell us.
We already knew.



We have shed so many tears today.
And we will continue to cry for years to come.

There won't be a day when we won't think of her and miss her.

Because she is special.



She was fun.

She was full of energy.

She was sunshine.


She was good.

She was pure.

She was faithful.



She was a mom.





She was a daughter.





She was a sister.





She was a friend.

~~~

Shauna never let her Faith waver.

To the end she was thinking of others and whose soul she could still reach out to.


Her final evening~ Friday night~ she hosted a girls' party for some of her close friends and family members.

She was still at home...where she wanted to be.

Of course we didn't know this would be our last night with her.

But what a blessing for all of us.

And it was exactly how she would have wanted it~ being surrounded by a house full of loved ones.


If by some force of magic I could get one wish~

I would wish for a day to spend with my sister.

With her healthy and walking. With no cancer.

We could have such fun talking, singing, and being in the garden.

Oh how my heart aches for a day like that again.



The beauty is....

one day that wish will be fulfilled through a promise.

And it won't be just one meager day.

It will be an eternity together.

Laughing. Singing. Being in the perfect Garden of Heaven.





Thank you to all my friends that have been here during these hard times.

Thank you for letting me share my burdens with you.
Thank you for carrying them with me.

Your friendship and prayers and tender words have meant more to me than words can ever say.

Thank you for letting me share the life of my beautiful sister with you.



All my love~

Chasity






I miss you already my sweet baby sister.
I look longingly for the day we will meet again.
Your big sis~
Chas

As Shadows Shorten

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
~Swedish Proverb

Thank you so much for the kindness and encouragement you have given me
over the past several days.
I feel like saying Thank you isn't nearly enough....
but it's what I have to offer.

Shauna is home now~
and it is a beautiful thing to see her in her own lovely home
instead of in that cold sterile hospital.

And though we were all fallen low the other day~
we are recovering and getting new focus.

Shauna is by no means sitting back and giving up.

The hospital did all they could and now she is continuing the
healing process at home.

But she is still very hopeful that once the swelling goes down...
she can once again aggressively fight this terrible disease.

Hope is a beautiful light.

Trials

No one gives you a warning call ahead of time
that today will be the worst day of your life.

I think about poor Job that we have been studying about
this past week in our family Bible study....

He lost his home.
his crops.
his animals.
and his children.

all within a matter of minutes.

No one told Job that this would be the worst day of his life.

~~~

Yesterday we received the news from Debbie's biopsy.

The lump is cancer.

They have caught it very very early.
And they have a very solid plan for treatment.

But anytime the "C" word is around...it's a scary thing.

I hate cancer and the way that it has tore up the hearts in our family.

Please add dear sweet Debbie and her family to your daily prayer list
as she begins her treatments.

~~~

We also received a call from Shauna's husband~
Shauna is tired of being in the hospital
away from her family.

She misses her little ones.
and they miss her too.

Shauna doesn't want to spend the time she has left
in the hospital or at doctor's appointments anymore.

She is going to forgo cancer treatments and spend the rest of her
days at home.....where she wants to be.


I understand her decision.

It's been heartbreaking to watch all the pain from surgeries.
The sickness from chemo.

It's been a lot to handle.

But it doesn't make this moment of realization any easier.


It's so unfair to lose her~
my best friend.
my kindred spirit.
my baby sister.


This isn't how life was supposed to be for us.

We were going to be crazy old ladies together with
wild grandchildren playing around us.

We might have even wore big red floppy hats...who knows.



What I do know is that I can't blame God....
He hates cancer.

He hates heartache.

It is Satan that is breaking our hearts.
He wants us to turn our backs on our Creator.


But we will not.

We will stay strong.
We will depend on Him.

We will all be together in Heaven some sweet day.

and never know heartache again.

Merry, Merry, Christmas!!!

No news has not been good news.

No news has meant things have not looked great,

or good

or even mediocre.

No news has been,

we can't put things into words right now,

it has been so rough.

Two weeks ago the doctor put Shauna on a new chemo that has not been used
with her type of cancer before.
The insurance company won't even approve the I.V. version of this chemo,
so he is giving her oral samples.

She is also going through radiation.

Today we got the best Christmas present we could get.

Shauna's latest CAT scan came back and for the first time in this battle with cancer, ALL of her tumors have shrunk.

We are giving praise and thanksgiving to our God above!

Much love~
Debbie and Chasity

a bend in the road

A few weeks ago we were having trouble adjusting to the "new" normal.

That's what they call it,
according to the lady at the cancer support group.
And we get that.

The "new" normal.

You know,
or maybe you don't,
how you learn to adjust to what is now normal when living with cancer,
or another debilitating disease.

Seeing someone you love so much feeling constantly yucky,
worn out,
in pain,
needing medication to make it through a day.
Realizing that we shouldn't be taking for granted getting up each day and walking across our room unassisted.
Having something as simple as an appetite.
Or being able to go down the stairs on your own and throw in a load of laundry.
Or picking up your two year old, not just holding him on your lap, because you can't lift him.
Wondering if such and such place will be wheelchair or walker accessible.

But you do adjust.
You don't like it, but you adjust.
You take it for what it is and you pray,
all the time,
and you accept, sort of.
And you learn to cope.

Then you hit a rougher spot, (they call it a time of upheaval or crisis in the illness)
and everything feels upside down again.
Their pain is worse, their options seem not so great.
You just SEE them struggling with what should be normal life.
It just feels rough.
Bone wearying hard all of the sudden.
For whatever reason
and your coping abilities feel like they have run out.

And we're not the ones sick.

I don't know why some days seem harder and you feel more helpless.
But some days you just do.

We had a stretch of that a few weeks ago.
For various reasons we felt turned upside down again.
In the midst of it, we did what we do.

We prayed and cried, a lot.

And we did what, frankly, we don't do enough.

We talked.

and tried to sort through some bewildering feelings.

And prayed some more.

During this time of upheaval and trying to adjust to the "newest normal"
God sent several blessings and comforters our way,
in the form of friends, family, scripture and prayer.
And a special blessing, in the form of my mother in law, to help smooth the rough stretch.
She sent a very uplifting poem our way.
It was just what I needed.
Though it caused a new river of tears, these words calmed my troubled heart.

I hope it will uplift yours as well.

THE END OF THE ROAD IS BUT A BEND IN THE ROAD

When we feel we have nothing left to give
And we are sure that the "song had ended"
When our day seems over and the shadows fall
And the darkness of night has descended,

Where can we go to find the strength
To valiantly keep on trying,
Where can we find the hand that will dry
The tears that the heart is crying~

There's but one place to go and that is to God
And, dropping all pretense and pride,
We can pour out our problems without restraint
And gain strength with Him at our side~

Together we stand at life's crossroads
And view what we think is the end,
But God has a much bigger vision
And He tells us it's ONLY A BEND.

For the road goes on and is smoother,
And the "pause in the song" is a "rest",
And the part that's unsung and unfinished
Is the sweetest and richest and best~

So rest and relax and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share your load,
Your work in not finished or ended,
You've just come to "A BEND IN THE ROAD".
Helen Steiner Rice

I'm thankful for this gentle reminder that God sees the bigger picture.
Really for me, it makes me see that God is the bigger picture.

We can adjust to what ever "new normal" brings,
with God by our side,
and our sweet Shauna's indomitable spirit and still sunshiny smile.

We continue to ask all of our dear Christian friends to keep praying for remission,
strength, and control of the pain.

Love to you all.
I pray your Lord's Day is Blessed with True Worship of Him
~Debbie

*Accessorize* and a Shauna Update

My fairie girls and I spent quite a bit of time crafting together
before school started back.

It's such a nice way to spend time together.....

no fussing.

no yelling.

their brains aren't turning to mush while zoning at the television.


and the bonus is~ we made some super cute goodies.


The craft from this post was found at the Jones Design Company.
She was gracious enough to share some rockin' tutorials
on really cute things to wear or to adorn your home


My fairies picked out their own fabrics and adornments.
They also cut out the shapes themselves.

But I was the one to melt them in the candle flame.

I'm not fool enough to let them do that step.
No sir~ree.

Didn't want to be explaining that one to the Fire Chief.

Now the hard part is deciding which one to wear each day.

Aren't they lovely?
Just like wearing real flowers in your hair.

With a little bling.

Score.


*********

I want to give you all an update on my sweet sister Shauna.

She had surgery on Monday to remove
another cancerous mass from her spine.

It had been giving her a lot of pain
and she was losing function of her leg
because it was squeezing a nerve.

She is now in the ICU recovering.

They couldn't get all the cancer
removed from that area during the surgery.
It's so risky since it's so close to her spinal cord.

Hopefully there is something that they can do to
kill those cancer cells too~
chemo...radiation....

I just keep praying that a cure for cancer will be found
that will save her.
I ask that you pray for that too.



**Updated**

Shauna is out of the ICU and into a regular room.
Her pain is down and she is feeling much better.

Thank you for your friendship and your encouragement.

Warmly~

A Glimmer of Hope

For about a week now, I’ve had much difficulty sleeping.
Tonight was no different.
My heart has been so heavy with worries about Shauna.

I get up from bed with the urge to send her an email.
I want to encourage her to keep fighting the fight.

With tears streaming down my face, I hit the send button.
I hope that the email is helpful to her and doesn’t make her angry.

I am stricken with sorrow.

My husband gets up to let the dog out and doesn’t realize that I’m crying.
His eyes can’t adjust to see me since I sit in the brightly lit room in front of the computer.
I can’t talk.

He tells me he is going back to bed. I still can’t reply.
He walks back upstairs.
He isn’t there to comfort me. I feel so alone.

I grab a blanket and head outside. I am thinking of a book that I’m reading with my girls. In it~ the main character has had to endure many pains and trials in his life. He lives during a tough time in history and has had to see most of his family die. When times get tough for him, he looks to the stars. Before her death, his mother told him that sometimes, if you look at the stars long enough, it helps.
It shrinks your problems down to size.

I’m going to try it.
I will lift up my eyes to the stars.

I am very afraid that the sky will be cloudy. There was tremendous rain just a few hours earlier when we went to bed. I am going to cry miserably if I can’t see the stars tonight.

But the sky is wonderfully clear.

I lay down on the little side porch~my head against the damp wood. I can only see a few small patches of sky because our big trees are in the way.

A new wave of sorrow comes over me and the tears come again.
Suddenly I make a plea,

Dear God~Please let me see a shooting star tonight as a sign that there is hope.

Just as my mind finishes the thought…. a shooting star streaks through one of the small clear spaces of the sky where I can see.

It’s nearly unbelievable. I haven’t seen a shooting star in years.
A feeling of peace settles my tears.
I suddenly feel God’s comforting presence.

He is all around. In the stars of the sky.
In the cool summer air.
In the beautiful sounds of nighttime.

God is close. He is listening. He cares.

It may sound silly to some. Others may say that it is pure coincidence.
Maybe it is.
But I am suddenly fully tuned in to God’s tremendous love for me.
He doesn’t want our hearts to ache. He doesn’t want us to suffer.

No matter what happens in our lives on this earth~ He promises hope.
If we follow His holy words and stay obedient to Him…we have the hope of Heaven.

We have the promise that there won’t be any more sorrows or pain or suffering.
There won’t be cancer in Heaven.

God has surrounded me in His comforting arms.

I move to a new place in the yard where I can get a better view of the sky.
I sit there for a long time. Just watching.

I don’t see any more shooting stars.
I don’t need to.

I know there is hope. And it lies within me.
It is Eternal.

God is near.

2 Thessalonians 2: 16-17

A Very Special Day

***
Please join us in wishing Shauna

a

Very

HAPPY

Birthday

today!!


We love you and pray that you have many many many more
happy birthdays.

Greetings, Goals and a Giveaway

Good day there lovely friends


Hope that you are doing well.

Things are alright here~
as well as can be expected for August.

If I were to ever get depressed....it would be in August.
When it is 100 degrees...the air is so thick that you can't breathe...
the grass turns brown...the flowers die.

{{wooh~ snap out of it!}}


We are going to start our school year in August to give us something to do
besides

melt


I'm really looking forward to the new school year.
So many fun and exciting things to learn.


****************

Sorry if I have seemed detached from this blog lately.
I think that I've been detached from the realities of life as well.

That is my defense~ to live in denial and
submerge myself into things that don't make me think about harsh realities.


That's why I haven't given an update on my sister in so long.
It's easier to pretend that it isn't real.
That she doesn't have cancer.
That life is grand.


She is doing ok.
She is part of an "elite" clinical trial in Nashville.
It's really just elite because the cancer is so rare.

She always has the most amazing attitude
and a beautiful smile on her pretty face.
Those who follow her on her Caring Bridge site have witnessed this.
She is a trooper.


It is hard to watch though.
To be the one on the sidelines~
watching and wishing that you could make certain decisions for them.
Instead, all you can do is pray, encourage, and hope.

It's a difficult place to be.

So....

Most of the time I get behind my safe walls and try to be happy.

Getting into photography has been a tremendous outlet for me.
A way to submerge myself in something helpful and creative.
To express those feelings I keep bottled up in a positive way.


I'm enjoying it and benefiting from it in ways I never thought possible.

Thanks to those who have been supporting me over at my photo blog.
To show my appreciation and celebrate 100 followers.....

I'm having a giveaway over there!

Hope you can come join in the fun.

****************

I really need to get back into other things that I love that are good for the body and soul.

I want to get back into running.
I want to get back into my garden.

Those will hopefully happen when the cool breezes come blowing in.

Hold me to it~ I want to be accountable!


I hope that you are well and I hope to get around to all of you and
catch up with what you've been doing this summer.

I have a fun surprise in store for Thursday!!

Blessings to you and see you soon~~