Coping

Two Saturdays ago, Shauna left this earth.
Last Saturday, we had her memorial service.

The two hardest days of my life.

I've gotten through the past two weeks in a haze of tears.


There are so many emotions that have washed over me...
feelings I never even knew existed.

I try to knock down the ones that aren't helpful.
When the thoughts of unfairness and injustice creep in~
I try to replace that. And quickly.

It doesn't make it any less true~


but it doesn't help any one.

It doesn't help me. It doesn't help her husband.
It doesn't help her children. It doesn't help our parents.
or our sisters.

It just doesn't help.



I have to focus and refocus my thoughts.

I want her little ones to be able to see a little slice of their
Mommy living through me.

I want to be able to fill a bit of that void... to be that comfort...


I have been spending lots of time looking at photos.
So many beautiful photos~ always with a smile on her face.

I have been watching bits of video to hear her voice.


I don't want to take the easy road and just get busy with life
so that I don't have to deal.

I want to keep our wonderful memories alive.

I don't want my own children to forget what a great aunt she was.
Always pouring attention on them.... giving them sweet compliments...
letting them spend the night~ and making those nights so special.


With every day that passes...
whether it has been a really sad day...or an ok day...
I tell myself~
I am one day closer to heaven.

I am one day closer to seeing Shauna again.


I am trying to keep my focus on that goal.
Keep my eyes on the finish line...
and I will try to be joyous on my journey to get there.


I will work my hardest to help those that Shauna loved
get there as well so that we can all be reunited on that
great and happy day.


I know that if she could talk to me now... she would say
"and you thought that sunsets were pretty"


I have tried to imagine Heaven more than I ever have before.

I'm sure that what I've imagined can't do it justice.

~~~

The pain is still so fresh and so deep.
The littlest moments open up that wound and the tears
begin to fall.

Little things that come unexpectedly....
the sun's rays through the clouds.
a song on the radio.


It will be a long road to healing. I'm so very aware of that.
Unless perhaps the Lord comes first and our days on earth are over.


Either way~ as I begin that walk ~ to try to figure out how life goes on...

I will put my trust in Him.
Study His Holy Word.

and rely on prayers to strengthen me.

My own prayers.
and the prayers of others that keep me lifted up.


Blessings to you~

Chasity