A little introspection, soul searching and some random stuff.

I've been doing some serious soul searching lately.

But before I get into that, let me tell you,
I have good intentions of writing many a posts.

Some funny,
some serious,
some down right goofy.

However, I often lack the follow through. I get intimidated by the idea of searching for the perfect picture to accompany my thoughts. I fear I will sit down and three hours later resurface to wonder what my family has been doing while I was in blogland... Or worse yet, I'll spend those three hours sharing my thoughts, neglecting my family, and blogger will eat my post

...sigh.

I have a wonderful little story involving chicken poop chapstick and fake dog poop that would make a great read...
real life is always funnier than anything you can make up, if you ask me.

Musings a plenty have run through my head while washing dishes and wondering...
Bible verses I have wanted to share.
Sweet and tender things my blessings and grandblessings have done or said.
Glum feelings I needed to vent...
Inspiring moments of insight that have both frightened
and enlightened my walk as a Christian, a wife, a mother, a friend.

All of the above I have had good intentions of sharing. I have simply failed to put my thoughts down on "paper". I would like to say this is a "turn around post" for me and I am committed to writing one post a week from now until I die. But I know me. I am consistently inconsistent when it comes to blogging. I can keep all of the balls in the air for a bit...Bible study, hubby, kiddos, school, sewing, gardening, house projects, blogging...
but I don't seem to be able to do it all, well, for long.

So. Here I am. In and out.
Since it's been a bit, I have a lot to share. If you have time, make sure you are in a comfy chair, get a nice cup of tea and stay a bit. It may be a while before I get around again. :)

Well, let's get down to it.

My soul searching has been long and ugly.
Uplifting and tear jerking.
Sometimes not pretty, but with beautiful truth in the end.

Here goes.

I have long had a problem with my temper. I am an angry person, but I have not really understood why. Now I know none of us are perfect. All of us get angry sometimes, and it's a legitimate feeling that God gives us...but I have had more than my fair share. My sisters-in-law are mellow. With a capitol M. As are my two closest friends. One is a therapist, and one is a missionary. As a matter of fact, every close girlfriend I have is mellow, able to cope, steady...things I don't always do so well. Go figure. God knew just what I needed, and I do NOT say that lightly. He has surrounded me with beautiful, mellow, patient women to show me the way. But, you can read the Bible all day long and surround yourself with Godly friends, but if you don't do some kick-your-own-butt-deep-down-what-is-going-on-with-me soul searching...you may never realize the root of your problems and attempt to correct them permanently.

Not too long ago I had a meltdown. It wasn't pretty. And after this, my last melt down, I was fed up. Beyond fed up with getting to a point of blowing up on those that I love the most.

What is wrong with me? Why do I get so angry? Most people do not react with the emotions that I do. Now passion has it's place, but using it in venting my anger and spewing and bubbling over with animosity is NOT it! I needed to get to the bottom of things. So I have been reading. and reading. and reading. Thinking, untangling and pondering, unwinding my family history, my habits, my melting points.
Why am I so uptight? What is really causing me to be angry? Who am I really angry with?
And here is what I found.

I have long "prided" myself on being a "doer". I come from a long line of "doers". Women who would and did jump in and do any and everything that needed to be done. That's what the women in our family do. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about the wonderful role that God gives us as caretakers and home makers. I am not bashing this role. I know it is a great blessing. I am talking about often doing above and way beyond what is needed, because that is what we DO in our family.

I began to think of all that my wonderful Grandmother did...and how it was often with a touch of resentment in her voice...and I realized that I have stumbled for years down that same path. When I should have been doing things for others, because that is what I wanted to do, because it brought me joy, to bring others joy... I realized an ugly truth about myself.

I often do things for others because I hope for something in return.

Not monetarily,

but emotionally,

psychologically.

I often try to win favor. Make someone like me better. Respect me more. See what a great worker I am. Know I am always the gal for the job. See that I can do it all.

That's me.

A "doer" from a long line of "doers" thank you very much.
Low self esteem? Maybe? Insecure? Possibly.

Sadly, when we (meaning I) do things with ulterior motives to fulfill a secret need, those needs have rarely gotten fulfilled. I have spent half my life "doing" to impress others...and the other half feeling angry, unappreciated, and neglected because nobody even noticed. How many times I have ticked off a list of "things I have done for my hubby" (or someone else) in my head, feeling extremely unappreciated by him...when they were truly things that did not matter to him at all. And I say that with NO malice. I simply busied myself and my day with unimportant things to impress myself, and others with all that I did.

In reading back over this, I know I sound shallow. I told you it was ugly.

It's not that all my life I've never done anything for anyone else just for the joy of doing it. But I have spent a good portion of my life doing such, without even meaning too.
I believe it to be by God's tender Providence and great mercy that He allowed me to discover a Bible truth reading some secular book on anger. It led me right back to a Bible truth that I had, sadly, not really followed.

We are to do good to all men, hoping for nothing back. We don't give, hoping to get. We don't invite, hoping to get an invitation. We don't "do" hoping someone will NOTICE!

So, I unraveled why I am so often angry. Well, at least a piece of my neurotic little mind. :) I have a long way to go. But I am working on doing what needs to be done. What I can, need and want to do, to help others (and really myself). Because God wants me to. Because I want to help others. Because it gives me joy to give others joy. Because it gives glory to God. And I am letting my pride go. And I am letting the things that don't matter go. And I am letting my false expectations go. The burden that has been lifted from my heart and my shoulders is immense.

A little soul searching is good.
Tough. But good.

Until next time.
Love you all.
Debbie